Perfect Melody

The sea stretched far beyond the horizon. A myriad of tiny diamonds, spread out between mountains and shores. Waves leaped about with glee as the sun’s rays touched their glittery guise. They whispered my name.

 

I closed my eyes and heard the waters roar.

Waves rushed by, dropping dead as they reached the shore. The beach seemed so endless. The black sand sparkled like crystals under the midday sun. People happily flocked under the palm trees, whose foliage seemed to dance with the wind. Squeals of laughter filled the air as I tripped over flat on my face, reappearing with a mask of sand and a beam that matched that of the summer sun.

 

He swooped me off in one scoop. He lifted me high and sat me on his shoulders. And without a warning, he took a dive. The sudden rush of water rinsed my face. I tried to grab his hair but got hold of nothing instead. Pulling myself back to the surface, I desperately gasped for air and helplessly flailed my arms in an attempt to stay afloat while Papa watched over, ready to start the whole process again until I came out right.

Before leaving the beach, he handed me a shell that he had stumbled upon while diving into the deep waters. Keep this. It plays the song of the sea. He placed it on my ear. And indeed! I could hear the rumbling of the sea. Was the shell some kind of a cassette tape? Never mind. I ran to show it to Mama.

 

The world was a blur in the blazing heat. Papa was left at home to look after me and my two younger sisters. He watched us with great alarm as we were gradually dehydrating from sweating profusely. He gave us each a glass of cold juice and hurriedly went outside to fill up the large tin drum with water. Okay, everybody. Time to go swimming! Delighted, we came too close to tearing our clothes apart. Mayen, why don’t you take your shell along so it would really feel like swimming in the sea. I desperately wanted to dip my body into the cool water but I happily obliged. The shell would share its music with the drum. 

 

We were totally refreshed by now. Papa watched us play and squabble again for sometime. Put your toys away. We will watch ‘ Titanic’. Shouts of joy reverberated the entire house. The excitement grew with every pull of a dress. The ride to the mall seemed so endless.

We didn’t get to see the movie. They’re still too young, I heard the ticket agent say. But I blamed it all on the ice-cream cone we were holding each. So, Papa took us girls to the park instead. We finished up our ice creams while he sat on a bench near the sea, sipping Coke. While my sisters frolicked at the playground, I sat down beside my father.

 

He seemed to be looking far beyond the sky. His face registered an unusual deep sense of peace and contentment. We’ll go back here. All of us. He looked down at me and smiled. A smile full of love and hope. A smile I’ve longed to catch a glimpse of again. A smile that illuminated my mother’s face when she presented my baby sister and another one two years after. A smile of resignation and contentment when destiny wouldn’t seem to bestow him a son anymore.

 

Each passing year weakened my Papa’s bones and joints. He had developed cramps on his legs. Fearing it might kill him, he decided to stop swimming. I had outgrown the tin drum but I had already finessed the art of mediocre swimming. My only problem was I seemed to be so light, I couldn’t execute a dive.

 

Papa took us all to the beach for the New Year celebration. I brought my shell with me. My cousin and I invaded the deep parts of the sea. My sister confidently tagged along behind us. But realizing her feet no longer touched the sea floor, she grabbed my neck and pushed my head down so she could breathe. She’s a robust teenager and I was having a hard time freeing myself from her firm grasp. I tried to scream but I drank seawater instead. I kicked furiously but the water seemed to entangle my legs. My eyes stung but I forced myself to see the world that would no longer have me. I helplessly clung to the sea, hoping it would save me. But it choked me. Deliberately squeezing the life out of me. Struggling seemed futile. Abandon was the only way out. My cousin was able to seize her away.

Submitting to exhaustion, I let myself dropped along with my shell to the comforts that awaited us at the bottom. I wouldn’t have to worry about my lightness now. I had already taken a dive. But my cousin did not allow me to rest eternally. She swam after me. After which, we abandoned that terrible secret along with my shell. I hugged my Papa tight that night.

 

From that day on, I would go to the beach always equipped with the fear of drowning again. Half-submerged in water, I’d feel the sea craving to swallow me up. And when the water reached my neck, I would have the tendency to execute self-asphyxiation and develop sudden cramps. It was hard to smile when your heart and eyes hurt so much. Still, I was determined to regain lost courage. I needed to retrieve the lost melody that my father has shared with me.

 

The waves were calm now. I opened my eyes.

The Shrine stood high above the hilltop, overlooking the sea. The place was deserted. It accompanied only me. When emotions seemed to burst, solitude oftentimes soothes the aching heart.

Staring at the sea, five miles away from this desolate hilltop, in this warm April afternoon, I felt nostalgia enfolding me. The wind blew hard on my face, bringing with it that old crisp salty smell. No matter where I go. No matter where I stand. It would always hum the music of the sea.

 

I have kept my distance. The greatest obstacle I have to overcome yet.

I’d never be able to steer clear of the sea because it would always be a part of me. I had spent my childhood days close to it. It molded me first before my teachers’. It taught me how to rely on my arms and feet. It left me living in fear but it encouraged me to still take a plunge. It showed me what love is in a ‘shell’. Though I’ve dropped it, it was never lost. Armed with my fear and cramps, all I needed to do now is swim deep to where it lies safe and warm and listen to the music that is deep inside me.